An interesting night to say the least...inspired mostly by a Jones soda cap.

"That long-sought opportunity will soon arise"

A night of revelations and realizations if you will.

For the longest time I've had no one I could truly talk to in a serious way. I've always been afraid of what other people would think if I wasn't the happy, care-free guy I always try to be.

But tonight changed that for me.

For the first time in months I actually was able to have a serious talk, and it was with will and jensel. I'm glad I have someone to open up to now...someone that won't think less of me for whatever reason. I've always been afraid of having an opinion...I don't make decisions because I don't want to impose. But I think I'm finally over that...I'm tired of being passive and just accepting things as they come to me. Few people have seen the real me, I've realized I just conform to whatever makes other people happiest...and allows me to belong, even if it's not what I truly want to do. Why did I do this? Well, my greatest fear is loneliness...having no one there that acknowledges that I exist...and cares that I do.

I've realized that every problem I've had is my own fault. I got too wrapped up in things that were never meant to be, and I couldn't move past that. I became too attached to thoughts that were completely ludicrous, and I was stupid enough to hold on to them, for way too long.

After leaving will's I started to drive home...the drive turned into an hour long meditation session. Me, a pack of cigarettes, and Guster. I just drove...and thought...and some of those salty drops of water welled up in my eyes on occasion. But, I realized that it was time to let go of these dreams that would never come to fruition.

And so I did.

I have so much going for me now that it was stupid to ever linger on these thoughts, to keep hoping without hope for the impossible to happen. And now someone has stumbled into my life that truly cares so far as I can tell. Unexpectedly as it was, it was a pleasant surprise. I was reluctant at first due to things most of you know full well about. Stupidly reluctant. It was retarded of me to halt my life for the chance at something that had no chance. Why the hell was I even wasting my time? I wanted more than she did, and what a fool I was.

But it's time to move on. It still hurts, and probably will for a while...but it will mend with time. When I finally have someone who really does care...someone that I can be myself and not have to worry about opening up to; someone that will notice when I'm not around...basically someone who gives a shit about the things that matter.

Hesitation out the window. I'm just going to continue this dating thing...even if it doesn't work out, it's still better than the stagnation I was stuck in because of my stupidity.

Time to live life with a smile on my face again.